Walking the line

Something that I think a lot of us gainer-types spend a lot of time sorting out is finding and understanding the (often very tenuous) line between fantasy and reality. I have a pretty active imagination, and my libido is every bit as anxious so the two tend to gang up on me and produce some pretty wild sexual fantasies. I'm guessing I'm not alone in that one, either, so I decided to make the focus of my second official blog post all about walking the line between hot, raunchy, sexy fat fantasy, and plain old everyday reality. (Note: In all fairness everyday reality can be raunchy, fat, and of course interesting in a multitude of other ways, but I digress...)

 I'll be honest with you, man to blog-reader. I'm still searching for just the right place for fantasy to stop, reality to begin, and vice versa. I think for gainers it's maybe even that much harder than for folks who enjoy other fetishes, due to the sheer obvious outward impact of indulging in our fantasies; however, due to the fact that this has been touched on quite deftly by several other esteemed gainer bloggers, I won't explore that point too much. But now I'd like to let you in on a little secret I discovered: it isn't so much a hard and drawn line separating wet dreams and a boring office job, as it is more of an organic, permeable, ever-shifting border territory between two very connected aspects of the same whole. I think the key, at least as far as I have found, is explore that territory, boldly at times, gently at others, and to just have FUN. Remember, at the end of the day we're talking about something erotic and sexy and hot... it SHOULD be fun!

 Part of what I think makes fantasies so exciting and erotic is that they take us out of our "normal" selves and lives and let us be whoever, and whatever, we want. I have to laugh sometimes when I think about it. I don't think I would get so turned on by acting out being hyper masculine, or sloppy, or greedy, or what have you if I weren't actually very much the opposite in dealing with the outside world. I LOVE getting out of my tidy, conscientious, responsible, sensible (OK, that might be going just a bit far) self and getting totally PIGGED UP. I think that the very taboo nature of erotic fantasy is what makes it so totally, outrageously hot. At least for me.

For example, I like to come home from work (or out with friends or whatever), take off my fashionable or sensible clothes, and get into character. I think that clothing can be a huge part of that transformation, helping psychologically metamorphose from one persona into another. In fact, I have a whole drawer in my dresser dedicated to clothes that turn me on! I start by putting on some tight briefs, and then a really tight pair of jeans, or, if I plan on gorging myself, a pair of old gym shorts (elastic waist). I always like to wear a tight shirt of some kind - usually a wifebeater; for me there is almost nothing as hot as feeling a shirt ride up the swell of my belly. Then I start to accessorize - baseball cap, tube socks, and other things that play into my own sense of fantasy.


Once I'm all geared up, then the fun really gets started. Now I feel that I am no longer my "normal" self, but a transformed self, one that allows me the safety to do and be who I want, but don't feel comfortable expressing in other venues. Now I can belch and fart and scratch my crotch all I want. I can stuff my face with donuts and pizza, swig heavy cream, thrust my pelvis while I rub my fat swollen gut, and generally be a fat man pig. This is the height of eroticism for me - the complete transformation into what I find most viscerally, sexually desirable.

For me, letting go is all part of the overall gainer experience and fantasy. I don't think that has to mean that I have to give up being the person that I am proud to have grown up to be. I like being sensitive and considerate, I love being a nerd, and I'm a total dork and a goofball. That's just who I am. Letting go and exploring fantasy, however, provides me with a sort of psychological and emotional safe space in which to express myself in other ways - fun, exciting, erotic, and most certainly fattening ways - without truly sacrificing any other part of the whole. I'm sure everybody has a different way of approaching gaining and erotic fantasies, but this is what I have found works for me. I also find that as time goes on, fantasy and reality become easier and easier for me to blend and play with. I hope this continues to be the case as I proceed on my lifetime sexual identity journey.

As I mentioned before, I have a lot of fantasies. I mean, a LOT of fantasies. I expect to explore all of them at some point here, and I would love to hear back from other guys about their fantasies so I can add more richness and depth to the overall erotic experience of this blog. For all of my imagination, I feel I am constantly being introduced to new kinks, new fantasies, and new forms of sexual expression that I never dreamed existed. I like that. I like that a lot. Creativity keeps things fresh an interesting. While I know I'm not into every kink out there, I'm happy to discover that I can at least be sympathetically turned on by most things - as long as it follows my only two rules for erotica: be respectful, and HAVE FUN!

Thanks to everyone for checking out my little blog and for all the positive feedback I have received! That sort of thing is what keeps me going on a project like this. Please stay tuned for upcoming posts on online chatting, gluttony, shopping for clothes, and a hundred and one different kinks!

In The Beginning...

Ahem. Maestro, cue the theme music! (Begin theme from 2001: A Space Odessey) In the beginning, there was the t-shirt and the ball. Beneath the t-shirt the belly was flat and formless. Then a (pre, pre, pre, pre) pre-sexual impulse guided the ball under the t-shirt, and Lo! there was form to the belly, and roundness, and all manner of fat fantasies came forth... And that's how it all began. My earliest memories of gaining begin before I can really even remember, but I know that by four years old stuffing a ball under my shirt was old hat. Soon my technique came to be refined and I was using pillows and stuffed animals. When my friends came over to spend the night, sometimes we would "play fat" and pad ourselves, pretending to be hugely fat. Then, on a fateful day around the age of 8, I was (albeit gently) confronted about this unusual passtime by my mother, who reminded me of the health risks to obesity and so on and so forth. So my padding went underground, both literally and figuratively. But it definitely didn't go away. Fast forward to puberty and I was padding daily after school. Everday I would come home and sneak my stepdad's musky work clothes (he was a construction worker, much more on him later...) out of the hamper and pad myself. I would spend the hours before my parents got home waddling around the house, looking at myself in the mirror, rubbing my huge fatness, and generally being a hornball. In fact, my first orgasm was hands-free and padding-induced: I loved padding all the down into my crotch and around my legs; one day while waddling around the friction between the padding in my crotch and my outrageously horny pubescent penis produced my first explosion. It would be another year or two before I discovered true masturbation, but I was already hooked on a feeling, as they say. By the time I got to college I had put padding behind me, though my sexual fantasies still focused around fat, and, specifically, getting fat. I didn't have a computer of my own, this being back in the prehistoric years of the mid 1990s, and the internet was in its infancy anyway. Then, one day a few years later, surfing a friends computer after he went to bed (trashy, I know, right?) I discovered the iconic Gainrweb. Well, I don't think I have to tell you where all the blood in my body rushed on discovering THAT gem! I still didn't have a computer of my own so I printed some photos and stories and cherished them for years. Not only was I not a freak, but I also wasn't alone! There were other gay guys into this stuff!                                                          I was in my late twenties when I finally had a computer of my own and right away I got to exploring. For a long time Yahoo gainer groups were my primary outlet for sexual fantasies. Then Yahoo groups led me to gainers on Myspace, and that led me to BeefyFrat, and now Grommr. When I look back, I wish I could somehow tell the lonely gainer I was in my early to mid twenties that someday there would be community like I couldn't even imagine yet. It still blows my mind. There were still a few hurdles to jump, however, before I could actually become a gainer myself. For a long time I considered myself an admirer. I just liked to look, and fantasize, but certianly not do. Never! But, in time, thanks to finally actually chatting with others in the community my inhibitions began to recede and my fantasies had new life breathed into them. Suddenly things were really POSSIBLE! Then, something strange began to happen... Growing up I was sort of a chubby kid. Not really chubby, just, you know, and "indoor" kid. I would rather be reading than playing sports. You know what I mean. But then I got into martial arts, and in college I even studied dance (along with music) and, being a young, moderately hip, urban homo I had an image to consider and I stayed thin. It was hard for me - my Irish/German ancestry wanted me to eat potatoes and drink beer, but I was vegan for almost ten years (Hippie alert!! Hippie alert!!) and that helped me stay trim, despite my detached gainer fantasies. But getting back to our story, here I was, finally beginning to explore the gainer world on a more tangible (if still entirely virtual) level. Well, I was getting a little older (i.e. turning 30), and the pounds were harder and harder to keep off. I gave up veganism for regular old vegetarianism (I am still a vegetarian), and gave up nicotine (yes, I was a smoker). And slowly, almost without my noticing, the pounds began to creep on. I went from 150 when I turned thiry (I am 5'7" ) to 170 a year later. And I LIKED it. I still wasn't ready to call myself a gainer, but I started taking pictures, and I realized I liked that too. I liked, no I LOVED showing off my expanding belly! It was an incredible turn on for me to pose, push my belly out, and all around just let go and give in to the deep, visceral, sexual pleasure of getting FAT, even if it was still (mostly) just fantasy. Some of the last obstacles to realizing a gainer reality came about three years ago, when my partner and I moved from our beloved Wisconsin homeland to the suburban wilds of Southern California. We had been together about two years at this point, and he still knew nothing of my burgeoning gainer sexuality. So, I decided that before we took this monumental step together I needed to be honest about who I was and what I wanted. I'm happy to say that from that day right up to this one he has been nothing but supportive and understanding of the whole thing. In fact, even though he himself really isn't into gaining or encouraging per se, it has opened up interesting new doors for us, and he has been all about indulging in my fantasies (and I in his!). This part I recount mainly for those reading this (hello?? Hello?? Anyone there??) who are in commited relationships but not "out" to their partners. Certainly I have been particularly lucky with mine, but coming out doesn't have to mean the end of the world. So, that pretty much brings us up to the present. I have to say that moving to a new town was a huge opportunity for me getting comfortable with the idea of gaining weight. I mean, sure, it's one thing in the bedroom to want to get fat, but translating that to the street can be tough (as I'm sure most gainers can attest to). But being in a new place you get to give a whole new impression of who you are when you meet people and really start new in a lot of ways. So, with support from my partner, insight from an outstanding (now sadly departed and dearly missed) therapist, and the encouragement of countless online brothers I have slowly embarked on a real life journey of fatness. From shoving a ball under my shirt as a little kid to shoving donuts in my mouth as an adult, this has been a pretty wild trip, but I'm happy to be here, and I'm happy to have people to share it with (psst! Psst! I mean YOU, oh gracious blog reader! So, why am I writing all of this? Why am I telling you my life story? Well, there are a few reasons. Firstly, we all have a story to tell, and being unique to us its worth hearing. Also, as our community grows and develops I think the insight of all its members is invaluable, and felt it was my turn to give something back. And lastly, and you may have guessed this from the title of this blog, if I do my job right, this blog will get you HORNY! I'll be honest - I'm a very sexual person, and gaining is the epitome of sexual desire for me. One of the main reasons I want to put this out there is to create a space for free, open, safe, and respectful erotic exploration in the G/E sphere. In the coming weeks, I plan on getting an amateur Xtube account going, for those who are looking for some gainer porn (because the world needs some!). So those are my goals: tell a story, reflect and be thoughtful, and HAVE SOME FUN! In the coming days, weeks, and months, I will be sharing stories, personal accounts, thoughts, and erotic dreams for any who want to swing by my little corner of the world wide web. I'm hoping at least a few of you will want to engage, comment, and even contribute, though there's no pressure. There is only one rule of the land: Please be respectful! Of me, our community, and, most of all, yourself. That being said, let's have some fun! -Gainerotic