Philosophical Reflections on the Dynamics of Living the Gainer Life

OK, I know what you're thinking. The advertised focus of this blog is the erotic aspects of gaining; it's in the name, for heaven's sake! And yet here is another (hopefully) thought-provoking post. Well, you have every right to feel that way; however, let me posit a counterargument, if I may. Smart is the new sexy. Actually, in my opinion there's nothing new about the sexiness of intelligence, though I think it is gaining traction in the broader cultural sphere, so the statement seems more or less accurate. Personally, I am possessed of a highly introspective nature, and while I can usually focus on specific aspects of things pertaining to the human experience in order to discern their particular nature, ultimately they are all deeply interrelated (at least in my mind), and so in this way philosophical inquiry is not, in fact, divergent from the erotic pursuit of gaining. It is integral to it. At least in some ways. So without further ado, let's dive right in.

I am writing this post because the topics I wish to cover have been at the forefront of my mind lately, as I pursue my own winding weight gain path, and, as much as I'm happy to sit and stew over these things all by my lonesome, I think conversation is superior to exclusively internal dialog; it is certainly more fun. Also, I suspect other folks may think about these things, and perhaps by sharing my thoughts, maybe I can help others deal with the same issues I face. Or maybe that's just me falling prey to hubris. I will let the reader decide.

Inquiry Number One: Concerning the ethics of gaining
I find myself often conflicted about the ethics of gaining. This is because I have spent much of my adult life involved to some extent in the local/organic/sustainable food movement, and these issues of food sustainability and whatnot are very important to me. How, then, can I justify overeating, often low-quality food, and still stay true to my principles? This question plagues me almost more than any other. And yet, the insistent urge to gain will not be denied. So I spent some time, a great deal of time, in fact, considering the issue, and this is what I have come up with.

Most of my meals are in fact very "healthy". I put healthy in quotes because it is such a loaded term. Some people use "healthy" to describe low-fat, or diet foods, though many of these in fact are not particularly nutritious. I use the word "healthy" to refer to foods which are nutrient dense, fresh, lacking in artificial chemicals (particularly preservatives), and as little refined as possible. For example I prefer to eat sprouted grain bread and brown and wild rices, though when it comes to pasta whole wheat is simply disgusting, so I go white. To this I add a stunning array of vegetables, all procured as locally and seasonally coordinated as possible. I am also a vegetarian, and have been for almost twenty years. Now, you must be thinking, what the hell kind of gainer are you?!?

I love a junk food pig out as much as the next fat dude. Ice cream, pizza, donuts, and anything chocolate are my particular favorites. But I try to save those for occasional abuse, and for when I just need to feel like I'm getting FATTER. However, on a day to day basis, I "beef up" my calorie intake in a number of very simple ways. Carbohydrates are loaded with calories. Sure, I eat whole grains, but I them in quantity. I carb load for marathons I will never run. Dried fruits are also full of carbohydrates, as well as nutrient dense, tasty, and easy to snack on. I also incorporate plenty of fat into my diet. Fat is even more calorie-dense than carbohydrates. I try to use "good" fats, though, such as olive and canola oils, avocados, nuts and nut butters, coconut oil and milk, etc. In this way I add a significant amount of calories into my diet, enjoy my food, and yet still feel confident that I am supporting a sustainable food system.

And as to those junk food binges, well, let's be honest, who wants to be a perfect goody two shoes? Sometimes it's important to break your own rules even if for no other reason than to remember why you have them. At the very least we should never fall into the trap of obsessive consistency; as Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds". Eat a few dozen donuts now and again. It enlarges your mind, as well as your waistline.

There is an additional element of this inquiry which I wish to examine; this is what I think of as the "Third World Argument". What I mean by this can summed up in the question: "How can I overeat and get fat when so many people in the world don't have enough?" This question plagues me almost daily, and I think it is a very important one to look at, not least of all because it is one which most of us would rather not think about.

All over the world, even in our own wealthy, industrialized nations, millions, even billions of people cannot get enough to eat. The reasons for this are manifold, and are based in political struggles, ineffective food distribution systems, unequal distribution of wealth, and corporate greed. As you may have been able to tell from what I have written so far, I feel morally inclined to help people on the broader social scale. This may not be true of everyone reading this, and if so, by all means feel free to gloss to the next section with impunity; I am not here to judge, only to share my thoughts.

This bleak state of affairs for me calls into question the ethics of getting fat. It seems, at first glance, unjust that I even have the option of gluttony, when so many lack the option of "enough". However, the reason why so many have so little is not the fault of individuals in society, but of the forces at work on a global scale. Even if every individual in the modern industrialized world decided to go on a crash diet, it would not solve the problem. Nor would it worsen the situation if all of us decided to get fat. The volume of the problems being faced are beyond such simple arithmetic. Upon reaching this understanding, my conscience is at least partially quelled.

The remaining, lingering sense of guilt (note: I grew up Catholic; guilt had to come up somewhere) I sometimes feel I choose to use as a motivator. I indulge in sexual gluttony, and do so gladly in the knowledge that outside the bedroom it encourages me to work toward greater equality in the world; it makes me a more generous, giving person; it makes me a more understanding and sympathetic person. Can this possibly be a bad thing? In this way I turn my feelings of reticence into a call to action. While not everyone may wish to get fat, we all deserve the option to do so. It may sound strange, and perhaps my logic is a bit spotty in places, but this is what I have come up with as a result of genuine philosophical inquiry, and it works for me. If you struggle with these issues, then I hope it helps you too.

Inquiry Number Two: Concerning the Balance of Sexual Proclivities and Daily Life
This, I think, is really one of the foundational questions I toss around my mind when it comes to the ethics of gaining. In fact, it should probably be inquiry number one for that very reason, but I am just too lazy to move it, and I rather like easing into the big one. So here it is.

While this certainly may not be the case for all gainers, for me, and I assume for many of us, gaining is a sexual fetish, first and foremost. Therefore, every decision I make based on my desire to gain represents sexual motivations, for the most part (I do recognize that there are other motivations involved, for some of us more than others, but generally sexual gratification, at least for me, is the primary motivation). My quandary is this: how can I let my sexuality dictate choices that affect so many other aspects of my life, from grocery shopping to health to personal fashion, and beyond?

This is a tough one for me because I like to think of myself as an intelligent, reflective, responsible, even at times (heaven forbid) sensible individual, and people with these qualities do not make big decisions based on what their penises want. Well, that is, in my opinion, a lot of hooey manure. A few paragraphs back I was arguing that philosophical inquiry and sexual fulfillment are both part of a single whole; how can I turn around now and argue that they are mutually exclusive?

The fact is that we are all dynamic, multi-faceted individuals, and we constantly act on a huge variety of subtle motivations and drives, many of which we ourselves do nut understand or are even conscious of. I don't think that you can tease out anything as an exclusively sexual impulse, nor should you try. Yes, gaining is part of our sexuality as gainers, but sexuality is itself part of our greater persona. It is, or at least ideally it is, part of our integrated self, and one of the many needs that must be included in any consideration of what makes us happy and what we want out of life, just as much as our need for food, shelter, and social bonds.

It is extremely important for all of us to pay attention to our motivations and needs. If we try to suppress or deny them, they do not go away; rather they become stronger for lack of fulfillment and prone to erratic, dramatic expression when we least expect it, and when we have the least control over it. If we allow for the expression of these needs and desires and nurture them within ourselves, we have the power to integrate them into who we are. Now, I am not trying to say that doing this is particularly easy; it takes a lot of inner strength to really be honest with ourselves about who we are and what we want. However, if we approach these questions consciously, with a capacity for acceptance, a sense of adventure, and, probably most important of all, a great sense of humor, then we have the ability to be the people we truly wish to be. And for us gainers, being fat is just part of the fun.

Inquiry Number Three: Concerning Social Acceptance
I'm not sure this qualifies as a philosophical inquiry so much as a reflection, but then, I am also not a philosopher by trade, so I claim indemnity on the basis of being an amateur.

I think that fear of lack of social acceptance is probably the single biggest stumbling block most of us gainers face. Who wants to be lonely? While a few souls among us prefer solitude on a perpetual basis, most of us need social bonds as much as we need food and sleep. I consider myself a bit of a loner; I like spending time alone, I enjoy doing things by myself, and I am not afraid to go against the crowd in most things. However, if I go more than a few days without some kind of meaningful interaction with another person, I feel it as surely as if I were fasting. I get "hungry" for human contact. Many people need much more interaction than that, even, and that is perfectly healthy and normal. We are social creatures and tend to thrive in communal settings. Which is really a fancy way of saying we all got to have a posse.

Naturally, then, one of the biggest fears gainers face is the lack or loss of social acceptance. Sadly this fear is founded in some amount of truth; the culture we live in does not love fat. Therefore, if we choose to become fat, we forfeit the social bonds that are so essential our happiness. Must we choose between denying ourselves the essence of who we are and making this immense sacrifice?

This is why I leave this, perhaps the most pivotal item, for last. Before we worry about achieving acceptance among our peers, we must first achieve acceptance in ourselves. The items I discussed previously are for me, and I am guessing for at least some of you, the greatest stumbling blocks to personal acceptance in gaining. We fear that people will look down on us, that our friends will no longer wish to be seen with us, that all of our fears will be realized, and we will be alone. However, the last time I checked, there are a lot of fat people walking around out there. There are some beautiful, fat men and women to be found all over the world, and most of them don't have trouble fitting into society, maintaining meaningful relationships, and doing important work.

As time goes on I have come to think that our greatest stumbling block to acceptance is not among our peers, but within ourselves. When I imagine the voices of my friends and family raised in objection to my weight gain, they are just that: my imagination. The arguments I imagine being raised are really just the arguments I myself struggle with. This is not to say that our loved ones will not raise their own objections, of course. However, if we can first quell those arguments within ourselves, then we can stand tall and be proud of who are, knowing that we have made our choices consciously, and confidently. And people tend to respect confidence. If we are confident in our choices, as a result of examining and countering our own doubts and fears, then we stand a far greater chance of achieving acceptance among our peers.

And quite frankly, anyone who cannot accept you for who you truly are - the wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, caring, sexy, talented, FAT soul you are - then consider it their loss. Anyone who truly cares about you will see you for who you are and accept you as you are. As someone said - thank you internet memes! - there are a lot of worse things you can be than fat. And let's be honest, fat is hot. Fat is sexy. Fat makes us confident. Fat is part of who we are. We are gainers, and our destiny is to be well and truly FAT.

Congratulations! You've made it through the twists and turns of my quasi-logical ramblings. If you made it this far, I thank you for taking the time and energy to do so. Also, I invite you to respond, critique, flirt, counter-argue, high-five, or engage in whatever form of discussion you are moved to by emailing me, or message me on Grommr. You all are a bunch of rockstars.

Note: I will try to post more frequently in the coming weeks. And I promise I will get back to the focus of this blog: Fat is sexy. Until then!

Reflections on re-gaining, (auto)eroticism, and finding balance

I still feel like I'm struggling to determine the identity and purpose of this blog, and I think this struggle reflects my own attempts to achieve balance in my life with regards to my sexuality and all the other elements of my identity. I think most of us go through similar struggles throughout our lives, so perhaps, dear readers, you can relate. This is, of course, all by way of saying that I can't decide to what extent I want this blog to provide an all out pornographic wankfest, and to what extent I would like it to express honest, mature reflections on sexuality and specifically the sexuality of gaining. I'd like to think it can do both; however, I am always open to suggestions and really love feedback. So get at me, yo!

Well, I just finished my first year as a returning student, and I gotta say, going back to school is one of the best decisions I've ever made. It was a busy year, but I plowed through it and now I've got a mellow summer to look forward to. Among the many projects I have loosely planned for the next few months is some hefty belly growth. That's right! I am happy to report that I am officially re-gaining! I finally felt I had gotten to a good place, health-wise, and was ready to give gaining another go. Like the first time around, it started out a bit accidentally; I was busy with school and just didn't have time to exercise like I had been. That and a subconscious desire to grow got my belly on a new growth kick. Unlike last time, however, I really wanted to own this growth process, do it right, and really enjoy it, so I got a handle on it and am now approaching re-gaining with purpose and a plan (more or less).

I've been hitting the gym, which feels great, and eating big, which feels better. I had almost forgotten the outstanding pleasure of overeating for the purpose of getting fat. Man, has it come home to roost! I exercise a lot - mostly hiking, biking, weights, and yoga - so I have to eat a lot in order to grow. I also generally eat really well; don't get me wrong, I love a junk food pig out session as much as the next fatboy, but I'm trying to save those for special occasions and those days when I feel like I just want to be fat NOW. But for the most part this means eating a LOT of food, and focusing on high-calorie and high-fat foods. I eat massive amounts of carbs, mostly rice, bread, and pasta, and incorporate as much fat into my diet as I can. I eat a lot of nuts, avocados, coconut, and other fatty foods. I also keep high-calorie snack foods around so that I can be sure to eat more or less constantly.

What are the results of all this gluttony so far? Well, I haven't been at it too long, but as of mid-June, I'm up 20lbs to about 185, from my lowest weight of 165 back in January. I'm happy to say that I am loving every minute of re-gaining. My first time through this process I was extremely unsure of myself, and only gained accidentally, or clandestinely. It made self-acceptance as I got fatter very tough to get hold of. This time around, doing it with intention and purpose, really captures exactly what I felt I missed out on last time. So, I thought I'd share some reflections. And for those who are not as much into the erotic stuff (why are you reading this blog, by the way?), be warned: this is where things get sexy.

I'm a pretty sexual person. Obviously. I'm also a lot of other things, and sometimes it's hard to balance. One of my reasons for writing this blog is to express some of that sexuality and give it form. Gaining is, for me, the pinnacle of sexuality. My earliest proto-sexual fantasies were entirely rooted in gaining. That's not to say I'm not into anything else, of course; I'm into lots of stuff, spanning the spectrum from vanilla to very daring. But gaining is at the heart of it all. I also really enjoy masturbation, not merely as a means to and end, but as a pleasurable form of sexual expression in and of itself. This is part of how I got back into gaining.

As it happens, I really enjoy edging. And for those who are unfamiliar with this practice, edging refers to the action of sustained arousal, by choosing not to orgasm as soon as you are able, but to hold off, and continue masturbating, heightening the sensations and stimulation. It is an incredibly erotic experience. So I'm sure you can picture it: here I am, lost in sexual pleasure, jerking off to pictures of gorgeous fat guys, and inevitably, all that fat stimulus seeps into my brain. I begin pushing my little belly out and caress it as I masturbate, fantasizing about eating, and eating, and EATING, and growing, getting round and FAT.

For a while, the fantasy stops there. Eventually I get off, and go back to my "normal" life. Only that sort of stimulus tends to have a more lasting impression. And sure enough, slowly but surely, I began to eat more. It was unconscious at first; I would get cookies with my lunch because I'd worked out and "deserved" them. I would have extra helpings at meals because I need mass to build muscle. Only in reality I was too busy to work out, so the extra calories began to accumulate around my belly. I had already gained ten pounds when I deigned to notice my returning pudge. And slowly, with just a bit agonizing introspection, I realized the time had come for me to get big again.

It had always been part of the plan to gain again, but I wanted to make sure I was ready. I wanted to be healthy about it; I wanted to enjoy it; I wanted to feel confident in my expanding girth. So I sat with it for a while. I continued fantasizing at length about getting fat, and got deeper and deeper into the gainer mentality. I also spent time thinking about it from other perspectives. As much as this is a sexual fetish, to be sure, it has to be incorporated into the rest of your life, I think - especially if means actually getting fat. I thought about how it would be to actually be fat. Both in the bedroom and outside it. I continued to eat, and to overeat, with increasing frequency, and I paid attention to the subtle changes in my body.

The first thing I noticed was my work pants - slim-fitting corduroys - getting tight, very tight. But then everything else started getting tight too. Shorts, cargo pants, t-shirts... I still have some of my clothes from when I was bigger, but they're way too baggy on me - for now - so I had to start grabbing something to wear in the meantime. I realized I was genuinely excited to be having to buy bigger clothes. I loved trying things on and thinking 'hm... this fits, but... I might as well get the next size up; it'll fit soon enough', and then eating a massive meal afterward to help me grow into my new threads.

So, finally school ended about a week ago, and I was able to hit the gym again, which was one of my personal conditions for myself as far as re-gaining. And that pretty much sealed the deal. It feels incredible to be back on the gain train. I do consciously try to eat well, but I'm not a fanatic. And as much as I exercise I need the calories. So I snack. And I eat BIG. And I eat whatever I want. And I enjoy my beers. And slowly but surely, it's showing up on my waistline. And I love it. I want more. I want a lot more. There will always be limits on my actual growth for both health and professional reasons, but I'm alright with that. I can still get pretty darn big, and I intend to have a blast along the way.

One thing I am still a bit up in the air about, and perhaps some or even many of you can relate to this, is determining to what extent I want my sexuality to find expression, particularly in the public sphere. I mean, gaining will always have lasting results beyond the bedroom, and for many of us, that can be a real turn on too. However, as I've reflected these past few years since "coming out" in the gainer community, and slowly come to embrace my sexuality, I've realized just how repressed I've been for most of my life without even realizing it. For so long, I kept my desires so deeply hidden that even I myself was only vaguely aware of them. But now... I feel like I'm making up for lost time, and I'ma little uneasy about how sexual I feel so much of the time.

This blog is a great example of what I'm talking about. I have this incredibly strong fantasy about becoming a gainer porn star; it's one of the single most electrifying fantasies I can imagine. I want to document my weight gain and exploration of my gainer sexuality and share it with all the other horny fatboys and fatboy-makers who can really appreciate it. I have a strong devious, exhibitionist streak, which balances my "public" persona as a shy, nerdy, polite, goofy guy. Brazenly sharing my sexuality is extraordinary turn on for me.

And yet here is the crux: I also really am that shy, nerdy, scholastic guy, and I really hope to make more friends in the gainer community, with whom I also share other interests and passions. My fear is that in presenting this side of myself publicly could make the wrong impression, that I am only the pornstar, and thus jeopardize any future friendships, or other relationships, I might make in the community. Here is where I would politely beg input from any readers who have thoughts on this topic. What do you all think? To what extent does the semi-public (i.e. Grommr, xtube, private blogs, etc.) sharing of sexual exploration get in the way of forming genuine relationships with others within the fetish community? I suspect people in other fetish communities deal with these sorts of issues as well, though gaining is perhaps unique in its potential for truly public expression (we eat in public, the fat we gain we keep outside the bedroom, etc.). I would really, really appreciate any input you all have to share!

On that note, now that school is out for the summer, I do hope to spend more time updating this blog. I love feedback and suggestions, so don't be shy. I'm also going to work on being a bit less shy about sharing my fantasies and whatnot. So, perhaps you'll find things you like here; perhaps some things will be  less to your individual tastes, but either way I will strive to present it in a way that is honest, respectful, sexy, and reflective. And hopefully rendered with some literary skill, but no promises! If I'm typing one-handed, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage, but I'll do my best!

Hope all of you are having a great summer, and I look forward to hearing from you!
Contact: gainerotic@gmail.com, or SpiritOfFire on Grommr

A long awaited return

Howdy boys! Sorry for the long delay since the last post. A lot has been going on the last few months. I started school full time last August, and between that and work I've been pretty busy, and just haven't had much time for my poor blog. On the upside, I do have some new material I'm working on, that hopefully I'll be able to post soon. But for now, I want to take a few minutes to answer a question that I've been getting a lot of lately...

"Why did you lost weight???" is something I get asked virtually everyday. It's a totally valid question, though I do get a little weary of answering it over and over, so here, once and for all, I'll take a stab at answering it. But first, it'll take a little background.

As those of you who've read through this blog know, my interest in gaining began very, very young. However, due to the societal pressures that we are all familiar with, and lack of access to a gainer community I didn't even know existed yet, I wasn't even fully aware of my own gainer-ness until a few years ago. It was then that I made the happy discovery of BeefyFrat, and all the associated web network. I was absolutely floored. Here at last was the key that had been missing from my, up to that point, totally unfulfilling sex life. I can't even begin to express my excitement.

I dove in head first and began talking to other gainers and encouragers and trying to figure out where I fit in. It was around that time that my partner and I moved to across the country together, and without a social network here, the online community became my new group of friends. However, my relationship with it remained almost exclusively online. A lot of the reason for that was that I was in a relationship; and while technically we had an open relationship, and my partner was more or less philosophically supportive of my involvement in the gainer world, the dynamic was still a little awkward and I felt disconnected.

However, I did not feel so disconnected that this new virtual world failed to have an impact on my waistline. I knew at this point that I was a gainer, and an encourager, through and through, and it began to show. The first thirty pounds I gained were almost subconscious. I had quit smoking and given up veganism (after about nine years of both) and it was showing. I blew through two sizes in about a year, and went from 150 to 190. But it was still a total abstract experience, I wasn't really gaining "on purpose"; I had no focused encouragement and was still a bit uncomfortable with the idea of getting fat. That being said, gaining forty pounds changes your perspective a bit, and at 190 I decided to go for the gold. I embraced my gainer sexuality fully for the first time and began to go nuts. By January of 2012, I was weighing 210 - 215 and it was extremely erotic.

Unfortunately, the first half of 2012 was a rough year for me. I lost my job in January, and while I found another job six weeks later, it was a really bad situation, and I felt trapped. Things with my partner weren't going great. I felt out of shape and unhealthy. I turned 35 in April and felt like my life was going nowhere. I had to make some changes.

I'd been trying to go back to school for about seven years (coincidentally, moving across the country is a bad way of going about that, just FYI), and this seemed like the perfect opportunity. I had the summer to myself and decided, after a great deal of consideration, that I wanted to just completely reboot my life. I wanted to start fresh. So, I began exercising and eating healthy. I wanted to feel healthy and energetic. There you have reason #1 for losing weight. While I love being fat, and look very forward to being very fat in the future, I never want to be unhealthy, or inactive. The idea is erotic, but in practice it doesn't work for me. I want to be a hiking, biking, weight-lifting, camping sort of fatty. And to do that I felt I needed to start over and actually get in shape and build some good habits before plunging into gaining.

Reason #2 is one I'm sure most of you can relate to. I always wanted gaining to be a shared experience, whether I am in the role of gainer, encourager, or mutual gainer/encourager (my preferred role, by the way). While I got some fulfillment online, I just felt totally disconnected from the real world of gaining, and it was really lonely. If I was going to do this, I wanted to have someone along for the ride with me. I wanted to have that experience of gaining be intentional, and focused, enjoyed, and shared every erotic bite of the way. I am looking for friends, playmates, and, ultimately, someone very special to share this crazy ride with.


The third major reason I decided to lose weight is... a little embarrassing. Or comical. Or sexy. I'll let you, the reader decide. I've always been very turned on by the process of transformation. One of the things I find most erotic about gaining is seeing (or being!) a thin guy, going through that process of eating, and eating, and overeating, and growing, slowly getting bigger and bigger and fatter and outgrowing his clothes... OK. You get the idea. I feel a stirring in my pants already just writing this. I'm sure you can relate. Anyway, because my first gaining experience was so haphazard, I wanted to go back and do it all over again, and do it RIGHT. I want to track and document my progress and my body changes and grows, celebrating every pound, every inch of new fat. Again, ideally this will happen with the aid of friends, playmates, and especially a very special someone.

I did get some very negative feedback from a few guys about my weight loss; I tried to take to heart the things they were saying, though in the end I know I did the right thing for me. One person accused me of betraying the community, which really hurt my feelings. My decision was about what I needed, but I never considered the possibility that others who looked up to me - a notion I hadn't even considered! - might feel betrayed by my choice. To those who felt that way, please accept my humble apologies. Betrayal was never my intention. Sometimes you just have to make hard choices.

Fortunately, I also got a lot of really positive, supportive feedback from various people, who took the time to try to understand my decision. You all know who you are, and I cannot even begin to thank you enough, or tell you how much that meant to me as I went through the last year. Boys, I got your backs now and forever.

So, where does that leave me now? I'm in a place of transition right now. I've stopped losing weight, and begun toying with the idea of gaining again. Right now, I'm still focusing on building muscle, and getting myself into good shape and developing good habits. However, rest assured, fat boys and fat boy makers, this is all in preparation for getting FAT. I also really want to get more involved with the gaining community. I can be pretty shy (despite the impression I'm sure my rampant exhibitionism makes), but I'm trying to come out of my shell. Hit me up, boys! I'm very interested in collaborating on creative material: stories, comics, photo shoots, videos, etc. I'm pretty creative, but working alone puts me at a handicap. Good at photoshop? Have a great idea for a story? Always wanted to show off in front of the camera? Know how to USE a camera? (I sure as hell don't.) Hit me up! Let's get creative.

Well. I think that pretty much brings things up to speed. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read through this. I appreciate it. I know it wasn't a very erotic story (the purported raison d'etre of this blog), but I won't make a habit of it.