Reflections on re-gaining, (auto)eroticism, and finding balance

I still feel like I'm struggling to determine the identity and purpose of this blog, and I think this struggle reflects my own attempts to achieve balance in my life with regards to my sexuality and all the other elements of my identity. I think most of us go through similar struggles throughout our lives, so perhaps, dear readers, you can relate. This is, of course, all by way of saying that I can't decide to what extent I want this blog to provide an all out pornographic wankfest, and to what extent I would like it to express honest, mature reflections on sexuality and specifically the sexuality of gaining. I'd like to think it can do both; however, I am always open to suggestions and really love feedback. So get at me, yo!

Well, I just finished my first year as a returning student, and I gotta say, going back to school is one of the best decisions I've ever made. It was a busy year, but I plowed through it and now I've got a mellow summer to look forward to. Among the many projects I have loosely planned for the next few months is some hefty belly growth. That's right! I am happy to report that I am officially re-gaining! I finally felt I had gotten to a good place, health-wise, and was ready to give gaining another go. Like the first time around, it started out a bit accidentally; I was busy with school and just didn't have time to exercise like I had been. That and a subconscious desire to grow got my belly on a new growth kick. Unlike last time, however, I really wanted to own this growth process, do it right, and really enjoy it, so I got a handle on it and am now approaching re-gaining with purpose and a plan (more or less).

I've been hitting the gym, which feels great, and eating big, which feels better. I had almost forgotten the outstanding pleasure of overeating for the purpose of getting fat. Man, has it come home to roost! I exercise a lot - mostly hiking, biking, weights, and yoga - so I have to eat a lot in order to grow. I also generally eat really well; don't get me wrong, I love a junk food pig out session as much as the next fatboy, but I'm trying to save those for special occasions and those days when I feel like I just want to be fat NOW. But for the most part this means eating a LOT of food, and focusing on high-calorie and high-fat foods. I eat massive amounts of carbs, mostly rice, bread, and pasta, and incorporate as much fat into my diet as I can. I eat a lot of nuts, avocados, coconut, and other fatty foods. I also keep high-calorie snack foods around so that I can be sure to eat more or less constantly.

What are the results of all this gluttony so far? Well, I haven't been at it too long, but as of mid-June, I'm up 20lbs to about 185, from my lowest weight of 165 back in January. I'm happy to say that I am loving every minute of re-gaining. My first time through this process I was extremely unsure of myself, and only gained accidentally, or clandestinely. It made self-acceptance as I got fatter very tough to get hold of. This time around, doing it with intention and purpose, really captures exactly what I felt I missed out on last time. So, I thought I'd share some reflections. And for those who are not as much into the erotic stuff (why are you reading this blog, by the way?), be warned: this is where things get sexy.

I'm a pretty sexual person. Obviously. I'm also a lot of other things, and sometimes it's hard to balance. One of my reasons for writing this blog is to express some of that sexuality and give it form. Gaining is, for me, the pinnacle of sexuality. My earliest proto-sexual fantasies were entirely rooted in gaining. That's not to say I'm not into anything else, of course; I'm into lots of stuff, spanning the spectrum from vanilla to very daring. But gaining is at the heart of it all. I also really enjoy masturbation, not merely as a means to and end, but as a pleasurable form of sexual expression in and of itself. This is part of how I got back into gaining.

As it happens, I really enjoy edging. And for those who are unfamiliar with this practice, edging refers to the action of sustained arousal, by choosing not to orgasm as soon as you are able, but to hold off, and continue masturbating, heightening the sensations and stimulation. It is an incredibly erotic experience. So I'm sure you can picture it: here I am, lost in sexual pleasure, jerking off to pictures of gorgeous fat guys, and inevitably, all that fat stimulus seeps into my brain. I begin pushing my little belly out and caress it as I masturbate, fantasizing about eating, and eating, and EATING, and growing, getting round and FAT.

For a while, the fantasy stops there. Eventually I get off, and go back to my "normal" life. Only that sort of stimulus tends to have a more lasting impression. And sure enough, slowly but surely, I began to eat more. It was unconscious at first; I would get cookies with my lunch because I'd worked out and "deserved" them. I would have extra helpings at meals because I need mass to build muscle. Only in reality I was too busy to work out, so the extra calories began to accumulate around my belly. I had already gained ten pounds when I deigned to notice my returning pudge. And slowly, with just a bit agonizing introspection, I realized the time had come for me to get big again.

It had always been part of the plan to gain again, but I wanted to make sure I was ready. I wanted to be healthy about it; I wanted to enjoy it; I wanted to feel confident in my expanding girth. So I sat with it for a while. I continued fantasizing at length about getting fat, and got deeper and deeper into the gainer mentality. I also spent time thinking about it from other perspectives. As much as this is a sexual fetish, to be sure, it has to be incorporated into the rest of your life, I think - especially if means actually getting fat. I thought about how it would be to actually be fat. Both in the bedroom and outside it. I continued to eat, and to overeat, with increasing frequency, and I paid attention to the subtle changes in my body.

The first thing I noticed was my work pants - slim-fitting corduroys - getting tight, very tight. But then everything else started getting tight too. Shorts, cargo pants, t-shirts... I still have some of my clothes from when I was bigger, but they're way too baggy on me - for now - so I had to start grabbing something to wear in the meantime. I realized I was genuinely excited to be having to buy bigger clothes. I loved trying things on and thinking 'hm... this fits, but... I might as well get the next size up; it'll fit soon enough', and then eating a massive meal afterward to help me grow into my new threads.

So, finally school ended about a week ago, and I was able to hit the gym again, which was one of my personal conditions for myself as far as re-gaining. And that pretty much sealed the deal. It feels incredible to be back on the gain train. I do consciously try to eat well, but I'm not a fanatic. And as much as I exercise I need the calories. So I snack. And I eat BIG. And I eat whatever I want. And I enjoy my beers. And slowly but surely, it's showing up on my waistline. And I love it. I want more. I want a lot more. There will always be limits on my actual growth for both health and professional reasons, but I'm alright with that. I can still get pretty darn big, and I intend to have a blast along the way.

One thing I am still a bit up in the air about, and perhaps some or even many of you can relate to this, is determining to what extent I want my sexuality to find expression, particularly in the public sphere. I mean, gaining will always have lasting results beyond the bedroom, and for many of us, that can be a real turn on too. However, as I've reflected these past few years since "coming out" in the gainer community, and slowly come to embrace my sexuality, I've realized just how repressed I've been for most of my life without even realizing it. For so long, I kept my desires so deeply hidden that even I myself was only vaguely aware of them. But now... I feel like I'm making up for lost time, and I'ma little uneasy about how sexual I feel so much of the time.

This blog is a great example of what I'm talking about. I have this incredibly strong fantasy about becoming a gainer porn star; it's one of the single most electrifying fantasies I can imagine. I want to document my weight gain and exploration of my gainer sexuality and share it with all the other horny fatboys and fatboy-makers who can really appreciate it. I have a strong devious, exhibitionist streak, which balances my "public" persona as a shy, nerdy, polite, goofy guy. Brazenly sharing my sexuality is extraordinary turn on for me.

And yet here is the crux: I also really am that shy, nerdy, scholastic guy, and I really hope to make more friends in the gainer community, with whom I also share other interests and passions. My fear is that in presenting this side of myself publicly could make the wrong impression, that I am only the pornstar, and thus jeopardize any future friendships, or other relationships, I might make in the community. Here is where I would politely beg input from any readers who have thoughts on this topic. What do you all think? To what extent does the semi-public (i.e. Grommr, xtube, private blogs, etc.) sharing of sexual exploration get in the way of forming genuine relationships with others within the fetish community? I suspect people in other fetish communities deal with these sorts of issues as well, though gaining is perhaps unique in its potential for truly public expression (we eat in public, the fat we gain we keep outside the bedroom, etc.). I would really, really appreciate any input you all have to share!

On that note, now that school is out for the summer, I do hope to spend more time updating this blog. I love feedback and suggestions, so don't be shy. I'm also going to work on being a bit less shy about sharing my fantasies and whatnot. So, perhaps you'll find things you like here; perhaps some things will be  less to your individual tastes, but either way I will strive to present it in a way that is honest, respectful, sexy, and reflective. And hopefully rendered with some literary skill, but no promises! If I'm typing one-handed, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage, but I'll do my best!

Hope all of you are having a great summer, and I look forward to hearing from you!
Contact: gainerotic@gmail.com, or SpiritOfFire on Grommr